Shine on

This week was definitely a rough week for me mentally and emotionally. I started with extreme anxiety and felt a disconnect from the world and didn't think I'd be posting this week. When I think of social media personalities and the image a person holds , I often forget that they too are human. I forget that not everyday is going to be perfect. I have this image in my head that felt showing a slice of human would set me back a step, but also showing I'm vulnerable will also one day help another. So here I am shining on perfectly imperfect.

There will be a point in your life when you will need to grieve a loved one, a pet, maybe even hopes and dreams. I am here to tell you it's OK to cry. It's OK to not be alright you are not required to smile everyday. Grieving a loved one verses grieving a pet will definitely hit someone differently and will never be the same. Yes you will learn to grown and live on, but for the time being that pain will linger on and affect you in ways you cannot explain.

In a short time span I've learned to grieve grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and a parent. I've grieved multiple pets and also the old life I once had as an able body before the auto accident. Each time the grief hit differently. In 2019 I lost my dad and I felt a part of my world was taken from me . I hit a point in my life where I couldn't feel anymore, I pushed people away, I kept what was going on in an emotional box and sealed it away. It cost me a lot of friendships but also helped me gain trust in the people who mattered most. In all honesty I don't think one ever gets over the grief of a parent but I'm here to tell you in time it'll get better and easier. It's OK to cry. I didn't fully let myself grieve until this year. I wanted so much to tell my dad all that was going on in my life, I wanted to hug him one last time, I wanted so much to tell him everything on my mind. I love reminiscing the great times I had with my dad. I loved the memories he would create with me that have turned into amazing stories. Adventures of Peter Pan and Captian Hook, helping me climb walls , wishing on stars and listening to Beegees and dancing with me every single day are just some memories here to forever stay. Going out to eat to my taste in alcohol my dad left a lasting impression. The things I thought I forever lost in him when he passed shines on. My partner still takes me out and we enjoy some of the same things I'd do with my dad and the happy memories unlock. The grief and pain I once had suddenly is lost. I felt human again to overcome what gave me anxiety, what caused sadness fear and pain knowing my dad was no longer here because I know he shines on through the people in my life.

Grief of a pet comes to one in ways you can't imagine. You feel almost embarrassed to share you mourn what the outside world considers an animal but to you was family. On April 4th we said goodbye to our family pet Pebbles. My dad's dog. A second blow in my world. Before Pebbles we had a sassy kitty named Keeka who lived to be 21 and before her we had Nala who lived to be 15. Nala was the world's greatest dog , my partner in crime. She was so happy and full of love I never thought I'd ever find a dog as great as her. After she passed we went a few years without a dog before bring Pebbles home. In 2010 after my Mickey passed [ my grandma] we inherited her cat Keeka. The sassy cat who I still say was plotting my death lol. She was an amazing loving cat but was also like a sister to me. If I did something to her like mess with her or annoy her she would march right to my mom and tell on me . It was absolutely hilarious. She loved story time and watching monster high movies. She was a great role model for hamster and just an overall loving crazy cat. Her passing hit our family extremely hard because she was the last piece of grandma we had left. Every family member knew and loved our social kitty. Every single grandkid may not have known Mickey but they had the opportunity to grow up with Keeka. Prior to Keekas passing we brought home Pebbles so she helped with grief.

The thing about Pebbles was, she wasn't just another pet to us, she was a life saver. My dad suffered PTSD and she brought him so much happiness and joy. He constantly spent time with her and always said how much she reminded him of his old dog. The moment Pebbles came home she was smiling. Such a happy silly dog who had the same personality as Nala and was as diva as Keeka. She generated such positive energy and we were inseparable. I forgot how over the year Pebbles always took pictures with me , we would adventure together and she always played dress up. When she had her first litter I gained my dream puppy who I love to pieces. Her second litter I gained my life saver , my service animal, my baby. Pebbles definitely radiated so much positive energy and brought joy to everyone who met her. She loved dancing and would come up and twerk on you with a big smile on her face. She enjoyed going on walks,car rides and snuggles. The one thing I loved about Pebbles the most though was her Unconditional love. She had the opportunity to watch 5 of her babies grow up and still remained a great mom even to today. She absolutely loved her puppies and showed it everyday. On the day she passed she laid down next to her youngest which is Hammie and took her last breath. It was emotional to see she waited until we left home but the fact she wasn't alone was comforting. Pebbles definitely loved her brown puppies the most maybe that's why I was also her favorite lol. In Pebbles we saw every pets personality but also felt my dads energy . It was definitely comforting especially since now hamster radiates Pebbles' joy.

The Unconditional love a pet generates is truly something. They love you no matter what state your in. When I was at my highest down to my lowest points each pet delivers a type of love you'll never find anywhere else. My family considers ourselves lucky to have had such a wonderful lot to grow up with.

Learning to accept your old life will not triumph into your years to come is a new grief I have experienced. It's not everyday you go from being a dare devil doing flips and riding rides , drifting in your sports car, dancing, running and being active to nothing at all. Within 24hrs my life was never the same. I walked away from an auto accident with neck damage and a spinal cord injury. Walking out that night also walked out my hopes, dreams and what would be known now as my past life. I grieved and longed for the life I once had. I hated the lack of independence I had , I hated I couldn't get up and drive, I hated my left side didn't always work, I hated me. I was my own worst enemy and let myself sink to a low where I found no worth in living anymore. I felt like a burden and an emotional whirlpool. Things I loved to do were no longer accessible to me. I kept telling myself I can't because I almost felt comfort in my grief and pity party. The places and things I loved I could no longer do on my own or accommodated my mobility aid. That struck me hard and I needed a change in my mental health. I decided to go back to blogging but for people of all abilities and special catered to those with mobility aids like myself. The positive feed back I got helped me shine on, it helped me grow and blossom. I went from being embarrassed I needed a wheelchair, to feeling pride that I can go somewhere in my bright orange chair that matches every outfit I own. I push myself hard to no longer grieve the life I once had and strive for the things that scare me . I recently pushed my body to new extremes that filled my broken cold heart with joy because I did what I'd never thought I could do again. I still grieve my past life, pets, family and friends but in the darkest time I found a small piece of joy. Never forget take as much time as you need, it's OK to cry and remember you will always have the memories to Shine On.